20 Hilarious Truths About Marriage With Kids

Here are 20 ways marriage changes after you have kids — the good, the bad and the ugly that we can all relate to with a sense of humor.

Marrying your favorite person is widely considered to be great for your health. Folks who get hitched tend to live longer, have fewer strokes and heart attacks, and are more likely to survive a significant operation, according to Harvard research. Additionally, married people have a lower chance of becoming depressed and typically survive cancer for a more extended period of time.

Outside of the highs of marriage, there can be various lows that range from dramatic to absolutely mundane. Throw kids in the mix, and your marriage is guaranteed to be filled with all kinds of hilarious (and not-so-hilarious) adventures. Here are 20 ways marriage changes after you have kids — the good, the bad and the ugly that we can all relate to with a sense of humor.

Nothing Will Ever Be as Terrible as Labor

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Face it: Once your partner goes through labor, nothing will ever be considered as painful or dreadful. Got the flu and have to work overtime all week? Not as exhausting as labor. Break your leg and have to wear a cast? Not as painful as labor.

Let’s just embrace the statement as fact and move on.

You Are Just So Tired

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Remember when you were young and carefree and had epic date nights that included a significant amount of preparation, multiple activities and various locations? Well, let’s just say, those days are over.

Now that you have kids, you are exhausted. Whether you have babies who need to be fed every few hours, toddlers who rise well before the sun or older kids who have 100 activities they need to be taken to, you will be too tired to plan an epic date. Plus, the idea of wasting that much time doing anything besides sleeping sounds absurd.

Anything Counts for Date Night

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Due to the previously mentioned exhausted state, anything now counts as a date night. Concerts, movies, fancy restaurants may have been you and your partner’s favorite way to have a date before kids. Now that your life is ruled by your youngest family members, anything can be considered a date night.

Embrace it and make the most of it, we say. Take out and a good movie on the couch? Yes, please! An impromptu picnic in the backyard. What’s more romantic than that? Just find a decent hiding spot, so your kiddos don’t end up telling their teacher mommy is hiding wine.

You Have to Save Up for a Babysitter

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Lots of us have memories of babysitting the neighbor’s kids for a few bucks here and there. Well, we hate to break the news to you this way, but those days are over. Babysitting nowadays is going to cost you more than $20.

Expect to spend more if you have multiple kids, and expect to drop a lot if your kids can be described as “spirited.” Best to start saving now on the off chance you can find a babysitter and have enough energy to leave the house for a date night.

Shopping Counts as Partying

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Once you have kids, you lose time all over the place. Not only are you in charge of keeping yourself alive, but now you have the added pressure of keeping others alive and teaching them all kinds of things. This leads parents to swap out fun nights at the bar for more practical activities like shopping for things you need.

Costco, Target and Pottery Barn might not sound like the most romantic places, but if you can make it through them, get what you need and avoid fighting, then you might just be #marriagegoals.

Bedtime Is Party Time

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Your life now revolves around when your kids go to sleep, so you can enjoy a few precious moments to yourself. You never realize how valuable silence is until you have kids. Not only is bedtime party time for mom and dad, but you have to hurry and get to it since your kids will be waking you up before you know it.

One of the best parenting hacks is getting an alarm clock specially designed for kids that helps train them to stay in their room and play in the morning while you sleep in.

You’ll Have to Hide Your Favorite Foods

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Now that you have kids, you will become a master of hiding food from them. Giving kids sugar is one of the most dreadful experiences an adult can live through. Their tiny bodies can’t handle it, and they go … wild.

So, now you eat your favorite things in the closet, car and bathroom. A bonus to this, though, is that you might end up with more of your favorite snack if you successfully hide it from your partner as well.

Romance Looks a Bit Different Now

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Perhaps you read the infamous “Fifty Shades of Grey” books or saw the movies and thought, “surely my life could be as sultry and adventurous.” If you already had kids, then perhaps this thought never crossed your mind. And if you now have kids, you know it is most definitely not happening any time soon.

What is more likely to occur consistently is that you or your partner will fall asleep on the couch while the other does a dreaded house chore. While this isn’t a change you can likely fix daily, definitely book as many mini trips and weekend aways as possible with your partner to maximize the romance.

Everything Is Just Louder

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Now that you have kids, get ready for your marriage to involve a lot of shouting. Shouting from the kids, shouting over the kids and the new, hot shouting: yelling at Alexa and various other electronic devices.

Kids aren’t the best at regulating their noise. It takes them a while to get the hang of just speaking. May we suggest investing in some noise-canceling headphones so you and your partner can take turns enjoying the silence that is now very elusive.

Brutal Honesty Will Become Part of the Norm

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We tell kids that “honesty is the best policy” and “don’t lie” in the hopes of making them great members of their community. Sadly, they use that dedication to truth against us as parents.

Once you have kids, prepare to be told the brutal truth about everything from your hair to your interior design choices. Don’t worry about asking for these hot tips. Your kids will be excited to give them to you to request free!

You’ll Be Up With the Early Birds

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Did we mention that you won’t sleep? Because it is kind of a big deal. Humans need sleep. Every night. And, yet, when you have kids, the dedicated sleep schedule goes out the window as soon as they arrive.

Sure, there are countless sleep training programs you can try, but do sleep-deprived parents really have the energy to read about such things and then implement them? Best to take a nap first, then tackle the sleep-training materials.

Say Goodbye to Your Favorite Foods

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Fancy cheeses, dark chocolate, onions, the list of delicious foods you adore that your kids will loathe will be endless and ever-changing. You and your partner should bid farewell to your culinary palettes now.

Well, don’t replace everything in the fridge with chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese. But do be prepared to introduce life’s most exciting foods in waves so your kid’s tastebuds can handle and enjoy them.

Privacy Is Nonexistent

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Another delightful way your marriage will change when you have kids is that your privacy will disappear and fast. Kids can’t help it. They adore you and just want to spend every possible second right next to you!

This is where the babysitters, grandparents, playdates and sleepovers can come in handy. Book those kids a relaxing weekend away at grandma’s house, and enjoy some quality time with your partner.

The Chores Never End

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When you first get married, it is not uncommon to delight in the fact that you now have a partner to split the chores with. “You’re great at the outdoor stuff so you handle that, and I’ll do the indoor cleaning,” you might say.

You will be giddy with all of the time you’re saving doing just the chores you’re good at, but, alas, it can’t last. The kids arrive and the tasks become endless and bizarre. Getting rid of lice, making a spaceman costume in one night, creating quality goods for fundraisers are just a few things you have to look forward to now that you’re a parent. Splitting them up with your partner based on skill level is still an excellent way to tackle the neverending list, though.

You’ll Finally Learn Math (Maybe)

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If you thought you were done with math and based your entire college education and career around avoiding it — just us? — then we have some sad news to report. Math is back as soon as the kids arrive.

OK, maybe not the second they get here. But once they’re in school, prepare yourself for some serious time at the homework table with your old nemesis. Thankfully, nowadays they are countless free virtual tutors for you and your kids via YouTube videos from teachers and sites like Khan Academy.

Mornings Are No Longer About a Relaxing Cup of Coffee

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Slow mornings spent lingering over your coffee and breakfast are just not a thing that will be happening most mornings now that you have kids. There is simply too much to do. Find the backpacks, braid the hair, beg the kids to brush their teeth 10 times — these are just a few fun morning activities you can now enjoy.

The best way to solve this problem is to get up earlier than the kids when you can (and that alarm clock we previously mentioned). Trick the kids into staying in their rooms, and maybe you can enjoy a full cup of coffee once in a while.

You’ll Really Start to Doubt Advice From Your In-Laws

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Now that you and your partner have expanded the family, you can expect to experience the joy of receiving unwanted parenting advice from your in-laws. To be fair, your parents will offer up their bad parenting tips without you asking as well.

A few easy, noncommittal phrases you can utter are “interesting,” “thanks” and “would you like a cup of coffee?”

One of You Will Inevitably Take on More Responsibility

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One of you will likely become more of an expert about things you could care less about. Such topics include knowing where everyone’s crap is at all times, memorizing what groceries the house needs and keeping a running list of extracurricular activities and their start times in your head 24/7.

For the rest of the less miraculous family members, may we suggest the dreaded family calendar. Sure it is hideous, but it could possibly save you thousands of minutes of telling each family member information they could easily find on the calendar.

You Get Mini-Mes

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You are stuck with yourself, and you chose your partner, and now you have additional family members that will pick up on some of your habits. Yes, kids are their own people with hilariously independent and creative streaks, but they also live with you guys 24/7.

So, don’t be shocked if they start to resemble one or both of you. “Do as Daddy says, not as he does,” is a cliche for a reason.

The Messes Will Come in All Shapes and Sizes

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If you have ever lived alone, you might be acutely aware of just how messy you are naturally and how clean you can be when you really try. Throw in a husband and a kid, and those days are over.

The messes, they are frankly everywhere when you have kids. And with so many people cohabiting, it will be nearly impossible to track down the culprit. Better to spend that time building an arsenal of cleaning supplies. Pro-tips: Mr. Clean Magic Erasers can get nearly anything off a wall, and extra strong carpet cleaners for pets work really well, even if you don’t have pets.