Most Ridiculous ’90s Things We’d Like to Forget
Growing up in the 1990s was great. No texting and driving. No Zoom calls. No smart watches that shame you for not power walking around the office on your lunch break. Things were simpler, but some of them were also ridiculous.
The scary part? A lot of the trends from the ’90s are making a comeback. We sincerely hope soul patches and jean skirts will stay in the past, along with these other cringe-worthy ’90s trends.
Rat Tails Were Acceptable
We feel like rat tails started as a prank. A barber decided to leave one piece of hair at the back of his friend’s head just to see how long it would take for them to notice. When someone pointed it out, the poor guy was so embarrassed that he pretended it was intentional. A new style.
Otherwise, we can’t conceive of any reason someone would choose to have the equivalent of a tail on the back of their head. For what purpose? What person ever has looked lovingly at their partner and thought, “You know what, you’re hot, but you’d be even more attractive if you had a tail?”
On second thought, someone probably has. For your own safety, don’t Google that.
And Everyone Pretended Frosted Tips Didn’t Look Like Uncooked Ramen
Kathy Willens / AP Photo
TL;DR: It did. It absolutely did. For awhile there, everyone thought their summer look wasn’t complete until they’d bleached the tips of their hair. At best, it was tacky. At worst, it was done by your friend in middle school with bleach meant for scrubbing the toilet.
If it belongs in the toilet, it should not be on your scalp, especially when the result makes you look like a hedgehog dipped in icing.
Soul Patches Were a Thing
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Soul patches were popularized by jazz musicians, and their reasoning was sound. Some flute players thought the feeling of the flute’s mouthpiece on their bare skin was uncomfortable, so they left a tuft of hair under their lower lip for better comfort. Cool. Fine. Jazz cats are off the hook. Everyone else should have skipped this ’90s trend.
It looked like men were in the middle of shaving when the phone rang, and they completely forgot what they were doing before. Or maybe they really, really wanted a beard but didn’t quite have enough facial hair to pull it off. This falls in the same category as the rat tail: Either add more, or cut it off completely.
Pagers Were, Too
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In the words of Kim Possible, “Call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me.” Pagers were around way before the ’90s, but that’s when they really took off. If they were before your time, let us explain. Pagers were like the precursors of texting. You couldn’t send messages, really, but if you needed to get ahold of someone, you’d page them. Your number would pop up on their pager, and they’d know to give you a call. If they were out, that meant finding the nearest pay phone.
People did come up with short codes to impart more urgent messages. Supposedly, “90*401773” stood for “go home.” We’re glad that they’re only used in hospital settings now because pagers were incredibly annoying.
Jeans Were Briefly Made Big Enough To Fit a Family Five
Bell bottoms are already back in, and we’re hoping JNCO jeans stay in the past where they belong. They were like bell bottoms if bell bottoms were designed for elephants. The waist was normal, but it all went downhill from there. The legs skimmed the floor and flared out wide enough to smuggle not just a bag of candy into the movie theater but an entire Thanksgiving meal. Honestly, you could have snuck two kids in for free with these things.
They were made popular by skateboarders and graffiti artists, but teenagers picked up the trend even if they weren’t a part of those subcultures. The only benefit we can see is that you have a built-in napkin wherever you go.
The Unnecessary Dial Up Sound Should Never Have Existed
Annoyed at the slow Wi-Fi, kids? Back in our day, the internet screamed at us before we could log on. No, we’re not exaggerating.
Imagine the verbal assault of 42 angry cicadas singing every time you needed to check your email. We haven’t heard that sound in 15 years, but we still have its exact pitch burned in our brains.
We All Told People to Talk to the Hand
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“Talk to the hand” was very much a “Valley girl” phrase to begin with, but just about every tween and teen in the ’90s used it. Its applications ranged from delivering a sassy response to a friend or rudely telling someone off. If you wanted to really send it home, you said the entire phrase, “Talk to the hand, ‘cuz the face ain’t listening.”
It was accompanied by shoving your hand toward the person’s face and turning away, clearly telling them to shut up. It was the gesture of mean girls and kids who were destined for a seat in detention. It also looked ridiculous, so there’s that.
Two Words: Neon Tracksuits
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We can’t decide if we loved or hated these. Both? Garish, neon prints were ’80s trademarks, but some of them stuck around through the ’90s as well. They were ugly as sin, and the fabric would make today’s generation of Lululemon athleisure wearers cry. It was not soft, and it wasn’t easy on the eyes either.
Neon tracksuits weren’t just for jogging, though. There were insulated versions for winter sports, and every kid who went on a ski trip has a faded photo of the entire family in matching, neon snowsuits. At least they’d be easy to find in an avalanche.
Couldn’t Sleep? Watch an Infomercial
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If you have insomnia today, consider yourself lucky. You have the internet. Like, the entire internet. Unlimited ebooks, movies, TV shows, podcasts, music, you name it. If your friends are also incompetent at sleeping, you can pester them at 3 a.m. In 1998, all of those options were out.
You could watch TV, but guess what was on in the middle of the night? Nothing. You could watch chair aerobics for seniors taught by a woman in a unitard and leg warmers, or you could watch Suzanne Somers advertise the Thigh Master for 30 minutes straight. No amount of scanning the TV Guide channel would save you. What else were you going to do? Blockbuster was closed, so you might as well get started on those summer buns of steel.
Everyone Overreacted About ‘Inappropriate’ TV Content
Think we’re joking? Not even a little. Shows that are considered pretty tame today were scandalous in 1995. Presidents called out the Simpsons for going against family values. Our parents didn’t want us to use the phrase “that sucks” because it was deemed crass and inappropriate.
It’s not exactly polite, but the Simpsons and the word “sucks” are innocent in comparison to the vile humor found on the interwebs today. Some of it crosses a line, but at least we aren’t afraid that our kids will turn into the antichrist for watching a raunchy TV show.
Beanie Babies Had to Be Divvied Up in Court
TrappedTreasure / Etsy
This might be the most ’90s thing ever to have occurred. In 1999, everyone was obsessed with Beanie Babies. We were all convinced they were going to make us rich one day. We’ve hit the 2020s, and there’s still a plastic box in the garage filled with them. We’ve been throwing them into gift bags when we forget to buy a present for a kid’s birthday party because they’re just that valuable.
In the ’90s, we really thought they were a goldmine, though. People lined up to snag newly released Beanie Babies. And a couple even went to court to help properly divide their Beanie Baby collection, which was then valued at a few thousand dollars. They had to lay out a pile of stuffed animals on the courtroom floor. Maple the Bear was the first to be sorted. Considering you can pick her up on Amazon for about $8 now, that couple probably feels pretty silly now.
Being Thin Was In
Richard Drew / AP Photo
Most ’90s memories are funny, but this one was dark. Every model was paper thin. Models have historically always been willowy and long-limbed, but in the ’90s, the obsession with staying thin became extreme. Models weren’t just petite. They were skeletal. It was not uncommon for models to pass out due to malnutrition.
The girls who grew up seeing them on magazine covers felt huge in comparison. Yes, perfectly healthy girls thought they were fat because the women they were idolizing were on the brink of starvation. Most of these ’90s throwbacks are dorky, but this one is damaging. Thank goodness curves are appreciated today. Rock whatever body you’ve got, folks.
‘Sagging’ Was Hot
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Maybe the reason sagging became a trend was because the models were too skinny to keep their pants up. It was actually a trend inspired by counter-culture, but it remains one of the most regrettable fashion choices a ’90s kid could make.
Aside from your teachers assuming you were destined for juvie, sagging pants were also prone to sagging too much. In other words, they fell straight to the floor, tripping the wearer, leaving their pantsless butt up in the air for the entire school to see. The victims of sagging were widespread. No one was safe.
Losing a Tamagotchi Was Everyone’s First Heartbreak
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We saved this one for the end because we weren’t sure we’d have the emotional fortitude to continue writing after remembering this crushing tragedy. Every ’90s kid had a Tamagotchi unless your parents were extremely strict. They were cute and harmless, except to our 10-year-old psyches when our precious virtual pets up and died.
Yes, Tamagotchis died. Even if you cared for them perfectly, they would eventually die. Once it started to perish, there’s nothing you could do to stop it. The game could be restarted, but some of us were too heartbroken to proceed. Maybe it wasn’t our emotionally stunted parents that sent us all to therapy, but our Tamagotchis. Both, probably.
Every Girl Knew Which Spice Girl She Was
Were you Scary Spice, Sporty Spice, Baby Spice, Ginger Spice or Posh Spice? If you grew up in the ’90s, you already have an answer. We all did. The Spice girls were iconic, and the only thing embarrassing about the Spice Girl trend was how seriously we took it.
Friendships ended over the Spice Girls. Only one girl in each friend group could be each Spice Girl, and if two of you wanted to be Posh, one of you had to go. To Madison from fourth grade, I’m so sorry.
If it’s any consolation, the ’80s were even worse.
