Getting Back with Your Ex? Ask Yourself These 5 Questions First
Before you go ahead with this, take a deep breath. The decision to get back with your ex is not easy. It can stir up many emotions from longing to panic. But this feeling can occur because of nostalgia or loneliness, but before you risk a second round, ask yourself a few hard questions.
The goal is to determine whether there is a future worth exploring. Let’s learn more about this.
Did We Really Talk About Why It Ended, or Just Mumble Through It?
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You can’t fix what no one’s willing to admit was broken. If either of you is vague, stuck, or defensive, that’s a warning sign. Growth starts when both partners understand how their behavior contributed and are willing to discuss it. A solid reset starts with real ownership, without sugarcoating or finger-pointing.
Are We Starting Over—Or Just Hitting Rewind?
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Don’t treat this like a sequel but a reboot. That means accepting that the old relationship is over and building something new, with different boundaries, different conversations, and hopefully better playlists. This creates a new standard for how you will both show up.
Am I Remembering the Past Accurately or Editing It?
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The brain has this weird habit of editing out the bad scenes. It’s okay if you’re missing the quality time and the cuddles. But if you’re skipping past the fights, the silent treatments, or those red flags, your memory might be wearing rose-colored glasses. Clarity is more useful than comfort.
Have I Reconnected With Who I Am Outside This Relationship?
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It’s easy to lose pieces of yourself in a relationship, especially if you were deeply involved. Before you reunite, make sure you’ve had time to reconnect with your identity, interests, and independence. You know, you.
Is My Desire to Reunite Coming From Fear or Intention?
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Wanting comfort or distraction isn’t the same as wanting to be back with your ex. Longing for safety or relief from loneliness can feel deceptively like love. If you’re motivated by the fear of being alone or starting over, that’s very different from genuinely wanting this particular relationship in your life again.
Has Either of Us Done Meaningful Personal Work?
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Thinking about changing and actually changing are two different things. Did you or your ex take steps to change toxic habits or patterns? Things like therapy, self-reflection, and real apologies are a few signs that someone’s doing the work.
Have We Figured Out How to Talk to Each Other Now?
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Some couples crash because they speak different emotional languages. One of you might be a “talk it out now” type, whereas the other might need space. Unless you’ve both adjusted your styles—or at least understand each other’s—you’re probably headed for the same wall.
Are We on the Same Page About the Big Stuff?
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Love is great. But it won’t fix a clash over kids, careers, or whether you want to live in a tiny house or a high-rise. Don’t assume those issues have resolved just because you miss each other. You need to be in sync about what you’re building.
What Emotional Habits Am I Bringing Into This Relationship?
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Maybe you’ve grown, but somehow, when you’re around them, you snap back into being the fixer, the pleaser, the avoider. Unfortunately, the patterns tend to return. If the dynamics didn’t evolve, it doesn’t matter how much you’ve changed on paper.
Do I Feel Safe Being My Full Self With Them?
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A relationship only works if you feel safe showing up fully, not just filtered. If you’re still holding back emotionally or feel like you have to censor parts of yourself, that’s a signal that the deeper foundation might still be shaky.
Have We Figured Out How to Handle the “Extras”?
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Whether it’s exes, friends, or family interference, outside relationships can complicate a second chance. Before trying again, set clear agreements about what’s acceptable and what feels respectful. Avoiding this conversation can create avoidable tension later.
Can We Actually Forgive—And Not Bring It Up Every Fight?
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Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending nothing happened. But it does mean you’ve moved on without keeping a mental receipts folder. If either of you plans to keep score or revisit past hurts during every argument, trust will erode fast.