Marriage Advice from Couples Who’ve Been Together Since Before the Internet Existed
There are people alive today who have been married longer than the internet has existed, and they have thoughts on what made their marriages work. These are the real methods that come with sharing a life with someone for several decades. We take a peek into what works for these couples and what we can learn from them.
Never Stop Dating Your Spouse
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One 99-year-old man, still married after 66 years, says he never stopped courting his wife, and he means that literally. Research from the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project found that couples who regularly go on dates report significantly higher levels of commitment and communication quality than those who don’t. Date night is a practical investment that couples can make in their relationship.
Keep Score Only in Board Games
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Scorekeeping in a relationship and mentally tallying who did more or who sacrificed what can poison even solid marriages. Psychologist John Gottman, who has studied couples for decades, identifies contempt as the single strongest predictor of divorce in his research. Long-married couples consistently say it’s better to let some things go because a running tally serves no one.
The 50/50 Myth
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Movies and books sometimes love the idea of a perfectly balanced partnership, but couples who’ve lasted know better. Sometimes one partner carries the bulk of the emotional or physical load, and it’s the other way around other times. What matters is that overall, both people are showing up. Some relationship researchers argue that perceived fairness, rather than mathematical equality, contributes more to couples’ satisfaction over time.
Repair Small Issues Before They Escalate
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A leak ignored long enough becomes a flood. The process of addressing friction early is called “repair attempt,” and how well couples make and accept these attempts is one of the strongest predictors of long-term success. Couples married 40-plus years tend to catch problems while they’re still manageable, rather than waiting until they become exponentially harder to fix.
Limit Bringing Outside People Into Your Disagreements
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Some long-married couples have learned the hard way about how they and their spouse will move on from arguments, but the friend or family member that they vented to probably won’t. Outside parties work from incomplete information and have no stake in the resolution. Keep the disagreement between the two people it actually involves. A professional counselor, a trusted religious advisor, or a trained mediator is a reasonable exception.
Apologies Work, But Only When They’re Real
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Not all apologies have the same effect. Dr. Roy Lewicki’s research at Ohio State University identified six components of an effective apology, finding that an explicit acknowledgment of responsibility was the most important factor. Some couples who’ve been together for decades have figured this out on their own. Making an apology first doesn’t mean conceding fault. More often, it just means caring more about the relationship than about being right.
Maintain a Life Outside the Marriage
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Psychologists Arthur and Elaine Aron developed the concept of “self-expansion” to describe how people grow through their relationships. Their research found that couples who pursue novel and challenging experiences together report stronger relationship satisfaction over time. That same spirit of curiosity and growth can carry over into how long-married couples approach their individual lives, maintaining personal interests and separate friendships. When done right, their relationship can benefit from this dynamic.
Physical Affection Has a Measurable Effect
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Oxytocin, the hormone released during physical touch, may be related to lower cortisol, the body’s primary stress hormone, and reinforce emotional bonding. Studies have also linked regular affectionate contact to lower blood pressure and better cardiovascular health over time. Small gestures, such as a kiss before leaving, holding hands, or a hug at the start of the day, may seem minor. Still, for some couples, the physiological benefits of incorporating them into their routine are significant.
Time Doesn’t Heal Unaddressed Problems
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Avoidance has a compounding effect in relationships. It starts as a tension too uncomfortable to name, and tends to grow more entrenched over months or years into something much harder to approach. Long-married couples typically have hard conversations instead. Research by John Gottman found that couples wait an average of six years before seeking help for relationship problems. By that point, the original issue is often buried under layers of accumulated frustration.
Love Is Active, Not Passive
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One message from some couples that have been married for decades is that love is an act, not just a feeling. Psychologist Robert Sternberg’s well-regarded triangular theory of love identifies intimacy, passion, and commitment as its three core components, all of which require ongoing attention to sustain. Feelings fluctuate, and motivation dips, but some of the couples who last are the ones who treat love as something worth choosing every day.